


the physical impossibility of death in the mind of something living

by decato



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, i'm (not) sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 02:00:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2834024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/decato/pseuds/decato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seeking to help those who have gone through the same pain as him, Rin reaches out his hand to the 13-year old emotional and volatile Nanase Haruka. </p><p>(In which Sousuke is less than amused and Makoto is a being that is wiser than the rest of them. As usual, there is always trouble along the way.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the physical impossibility of death in the mind of something living

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kaprikume](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaprikume/gifts).



> I would like to thank my recipient for giving me this prompt and it was such a joy to write it. I really do hope that you enjoy this fic as much as I had enjoyed writing it. Some scenes might feel a little jumpy and I am sorry for that as it is both somewhat intentional but at the same time, due to the fact that I was a little pressed with time in the completion of this (real life commitments are a pain). While it might not be as up to par as I want it to be, I do hope I gave it justice! 
> 
> The title of this fic comes from an artwork created in 1991 by Damien Hirst.

At the first step out of the hospital doors, Rin can’t help but take in a deep breath at his newfound freedom, eyes flinching slightly at the sunlight directed at his face.

He’s out. Out and alive without the impending threat of doom that had loomed over him for 15 years ever since the day he was born.

(Well, he wasn’t really free from it, seeing as the doctors had told him that his disease, like cancer, had the chance of coming back and affecting his body if he wasn’t careful but for the sake of moment, Rin would ignore that tiny detail for now.)

Rin feels a presence standing behind him, his mother just finishing with the hospital procedures of checking him out. He is barely able to turn to face her before he feels tight, warm arms wrap around him in a solid yet comforting embrace.

There are no words between them but Rin doesn’t need them to know the relief that his mother is feeling as she presses her face into his shoulder to hide the tears that stream down her face and the slight trembling from her body as she holds onto him as if in a desperate attempt to confirm his existence.

“Hey, mom,” Rin says gently, hands moving up to soothingly pat her back in an attempt to calm her down. “Don’t cry. I can finally go back home now and help you and Gou for always being there to support me all this time. I’m sorry for making you have to worry for me all this time.”

It seems to have the opposite of the calming effect that Rin had hoped for, the sobbing growing louder as he felt the tears seep into his shirt. Trying to ignore the awkwardness that they were causing by standing right in front of the hospital entrance, it takes awhile before she finally stops, eyes red and puffy with such a misplaced smile on her face. The next words she utters are soft, almost like a fragile whisper she’s scared she’ll break.

“Welcome home, Rin.”

The words cause Rin’s throat to tighten uncomfortably as he swallows down a lump of unshed tears of his own. “I’m back, mom.”

 

 

\--

 

 

The next few days for Rin feels like a dream. He has Gou constantly barging into his room to wake him up every morning for school and Sousuke drops by his home along the way to walk with him. There is still a tinge of worry in Sousuke’s features whenever he comes by despite Rin’s constant reassurance but he’s knows that even that will fade in due time.

His life is finally slipping back into a proper routine, free of life-threatening illnesses and the stark contrast of life and death that are confined within hospital walls but something feels off, no matter how much Rin tries to shake off the feeling.

Or, to be more accurate, he knows exactly what is bothering him, despite his best efforts to ignore it.

 _You’ll only upset everyone if they knew you were thinking stuff like this_ , Rin thought to himself, on one of those nights where his bed felt much too comfortable and it felt too quiet without the sounds of nurses and doctors working on night shifts that he had begun to get used to throughout the years of his life. _Plus, you know you won’t be able to do anything about it anyway even if you knew._

Sousuke, of course, is the first to notice his distress and asks him one day during their break in school, surrounded by the buzz of chattering high school students.

“What’s wrong, Rin? You’ve been looking off these couple of days.”

Rin contemplates for a few moments in between bites of his yakisoba bun, sighing internally as he answered because he knew he’d never be able to keep any sort of secret from Sousuke. “You know how the disease that I had been inflicted with this whole time is pretty rare, right? But at the same time, the chances of success for recovery are pretty much close to zero. To be honest, It still feel surreal that I’m actually out here to begin with, talking to you in a high school cafeteria without having to drag along an IV drip or a nurse for constant surveillance. Sure, I still have medication I need to take and checkups to go through until the doctors confirm that my condition is stabilized but this has probably been the healthiest I’ve been since forever.”

“But that’s not the point, is it? There’s still something else you’re concerned about,” Sousuke presses on, carefully watching Rin’s facial expressions.

“What about the other people who have had to go through the same pain as me? What if they’re still suffering, and have been suffering much longer than I have while thinking that they’re just fighting for a couple of years left to live? I can sit here and talk to you right now like any normal high school kid while there’s someone out there that’s losing hope day by day.”

“None of that would even by your fau-”

“But I know how that pain felt like!” Rin shouts, ignoring the unwanted attention that he had gotten due to his sudden outburst. “That was my pain for the past 15 years of my life and with every day that past, I had almost lost hope that any of this,” Rin gestures to his surroundings. “Could have even been my life anymore with each day that had passed on that hospital bed. I had nights where I had just wanted to die early so I could stop pretending to ignore the tears my mother shed every night because of me or how Gou would clutch so tightly at my hand whenever she visited and I couldn’t even do anything to reassure her that it would all be fine. So yes, it might not be my fault or anything I should concern myself with but if there’s someone out there that might even consider my help to be of something to them then shouldn’t I offer them that helping hand?”

His breathing is ragged, rage slowly subsiding in the awkward silence formed as the whole cafeteria looked at the two of them.

Sousuke speaks up as soon as Rin’s shoulders slump down and he rests his forehead against the edge of the table, drained. “I’m sorry that I never knew the pain you were going through. I just- I don’t know anymore. I’m sorry.”

Rin laughs, a little shaky as the bustle around him resumes, blending them back in with their surroundings. “Don’t be. I didn’t want any of you to know anyway. Just, please don’t tell my mom or Gou any of this. I know the two of them just want me to live life as freely as possible and I don’t want to worry them more than necessary.”

“Alright.”

There is an awkward tension between the both of them for the rest of the day that doesn’t seem to fade away, even when school ends and the two of them head back home in silence. Rin whispers a faint ‘See you tomorrow,’ when he and Sousuke split ways. There’s a part of him that wants to speak up and tell Sousuke that he’s sorry for his outburst, that he knows none of it should matter and he’s probably being the most selfish bastard out there but he can’t bring himself to stop and call out at the back that’s moving farther away from him.

Taking a few deep breaths, he steps inside his house, thankful of the fact that his mom is at work while his sister is still at school for a couple of after-school activities.

Opening the door to his room, Rin flings his school bag on his bed at he sits at his desk and boots up his PC, the only one they had in their house since no one else in the house ever used it. It takes a few minutes for it to boot up and for everything to load before Rin first checks his email.

He’s got a couple of new messages in his inbox and he checks them all. There is some spam mail which he promptly deletes and a few newsletters from website subscriptions that he had joined in the past.

The last email is sent from one of the biggest general hospitals in Rin’s area and he opens it almost immediately as soon as he sees its sender.

 

> _Dear Matsuoka Rin,_
> 
> _First of all, I’m grateful that such a young lad such as yourself is interested in helping others recover from the same disease you have been through. You sound like an incredibly strong-willed person, to be able to finally be free of the shackles of sickness and disease and to have never lost hope along the way for that chance of recovery. It is always such an encouraging thing to other patients out there to know that there is a chance for the future than merely just being a futile struggle against time. I have seen many let go before, as much as it hurts me to recall. Fate can be a cruel thing, at times._
> 
> _Now, I know you have enquired me about giving you info on whether our hospital might have victims that are suffering from the same disease you have and while I would like to tell you, I am afraid that I must respect my boundaries as a doctor and as the head of the hospital board that certain information like this is confidential and up to the patients to reveal, and not myself._
> 
> _I am sorry about not being able to help you in your endeavor and I do hope you manage to accomplish your goals someday soon._

 

Reading the last line, Rin sighs, leaning back against his chair. This had been the 6th hospital he had contacted that week with no chance of success at all. While he wasn’t someone to give up so easily, there were only very limited ways that he could enquire about information like this, especially given his age and situation.

“Well, let’s see what other hospital Google-sensei can help me find and contact…” Rin mumbles to himself as he types away.

 

 

\--

 

 

Rin sighs, staring forlornly at the bun in his hand. He and Sousuke are sitting at the exact same place they had been two weeks ago during Rin’s explosion.

“That’s about the fourth time that you’ve sighed in the last ten minutes. What’s up?” Sousuke asks, already done with his own meal.

“I’m starting to hate doctor patient confidentiality. I know I shouldn’t but I do.”

“So I’m guessing that you didn’t have much luck in your search?” Sousuke asks. They hadn’t breached the topic ever since the first time, with Rin not wanting to worry Sousuke about his problems. However, his words held no hesitation nor worry, which is a relief to Rin.

“Unless it’s short of an actual murder, I don’t think any hospital is going to be of help to me, to be honest.” Rin sighs yet again before taking a huge bit out of his bun as if releasing out his failure on it.

Sousuke clears his throat, a weird look on his face that Rin recognises as Sousuke’s I-have-something-to-tell-you-but-I-really-don’t-know-if-this-is-a-good-idea look. “Well, there’s this guy I know in my neighbourhood that I’ve been talking to recently. I think that you should go meet him.”

Rin raises his eyebrows, interested. “What’s the catch?”

“Apparently this guy has a really close friend that he’s known since he was 5 and I thought you’d be interested in meeting him. I arranged a meeting and told him that we could meet up this coming Saturday.”

Finishing the rest of his bun in the next bite, Rin asks, “Sure. What time and where?” He tries his best to stop the grin that keeps creeping up at his face.

“Be at the front of my house by 10AM tomorrow. We’ll be moving after,” Sousuke says, subtly shaking his head at Rin. “You know, you look like some sort of puppy that’s trying so hard not to wag its tail.”

“Shut up,” Rin says, teeth showing as he smiles. “Thanks for this. And for everything else as well.”

Sousuke looks away at that and Rin can see the telltale signs of embarrassment on his face. “It’s nothing special so don’t worry about it.”

“Still, you’ve always been there for me despite the fact that you’ve never needed to, seeing as I’ve never been able to properly give you anything back,” Rin tells him, voice soft and gentle in one of those rare gestures.

Sousuke reaches out a hand to ruffle Rin’s hair, face still a little red but with slight smile gracing his lips. “I really am not used to this side of you but if it makes you happy and at ease then I’m glad so don’t think too much about it.”

“Besides,” Sousuke mumbles under his breath, a little too soft for Rin to hear. “I really can’t tell whether this is the right thing to be doing anymore.”

 

 

\--

 

 

Rin had already bounced out of bed before his alarm on Saturday morning, almost rushing through his daily routine before running out of the door. “I’m going out now! I’ll be back tonight!”

“Tell Sousuke I said ‘Hi’,” his mom tells him as he leaves, nursing a cup of coffee in her hand as she watches his go. Gou just waves her hands at him, a happy smile on her face.

 _It’s not like you need to let them know and worry them even more_ , Rin thinks to himself as he rounds a corner and they disappear from his line of sight.

Almost as if predicted, Sousuke is already waiting at the outside of his house, leaning against his front door with a backpack strapped across his right shoulder.

“You’re early,” Sousuke comments as he sees the wide grin on Rin’s face. “I somehow had a feeling you’d be here before Makoto.”

“Isn’t it great that you know me, then?” Rin says as he goes up to Sousuke and nudges him at his sides. “Is this Makoto the person we’re suppose to be meeting?”

“Yeah, he lives a couple of houses down but he’s got two siblings to take care of so I told him to take his time. He should be here any moment, though.”

On cue, Rin hears a voice behind me call out to Sousuke and greeting the both of them good morning.

The face that Rin sees as soon as he turns around is a kind and gentle one, an air of maturity around him that most kids around his age would never have possessed.

“Hello, I’m Tachibana Makoto. Sousuke’s told me a lot about you, Rin-san,” Makoto tells him, bowing formally.

Rin smiles and returns the gesture. “Only about the good things, I hope. And there’s no need for formalities since we’re the same age, after all.”

“Eh, but I thought you were in the same year as Sousuke?” Makoto asks, looking confused in between Rin and Sousuke.

Sousuke clears his throat, gesturing toward Makoto as he tells Rin, “I forgot to tell you that Makoto’s actually two years younger than both of us.”

“Well, regardless, don’t worry about the small stuff,” Rin says to Makoto, who looks just a little frantic. “Age is just a number, after all. Anyway, I think we should go soon since visiting hours should be open already.”

They make idle conversation along the way to the hospital, a less than half an hour walk from Sousuke’s house.

“So how is this friend of yours like?” Rin asks Makoto as Sousuke walks in front of them.

“Haru isn’t really good with strangers, so I should warn you a little not to take anything he says to heart since he really doesn’t mean any harm and I did tell him about you and Sousuke coming along.”

Rin pats Makoto on the back. “Don’t worry about it. I’m pretty thick-skulled myself. While I won’t say the same about Sousuke, I’ll make sure to hold him back. I just hope that we aren’t causing you any difficulties.”

“You aren’t so don’t worry about it,” Makoto tells him, smile still on his face but a little painful and nostalgic. “It’s good if Haru gets to socialise with more people. Even when he was still well enough to be in school, he was the ace swimmer of our school and everyone had always been a little intimidated to interact with him so he doesn’t really talk to a lot of people.”

“I’m sure it will be alright,” Rin attempts to reassure Makoto, looking at Sousuke’s back and knowing that he is probably listening on as well. “I didn’t come without some sort of initiative so I’m not going to back down so easily.”

It should make Rin feel slightly intimidated to walk down the halls of a patient ward in a hospital, the smell of antiseptic and bleach heavy in the air but instead, he finds it to be some sort of comfort, like a second home despite the pain and bad memories that had followed along.

Makoto guides them along the hallway where they stop at Haru’s door, the numbers _1927_ engraved on the metal plate on top of the door frame.

Taking a deep breath, nerves suddenly feeling frazzled, Makoto knocks on the door and opens it, gesturing for them to move in before him as he closes the door behind him and moves towards the hospital bed in the center.

“Haru, this is Rin and Sousuke, the ones I told you about before who said that they wanted to meet you,” Makoto tells the dark-haired boy who looks so small on his hospital bed, surrounded by tubes and wires that make Rin’s fist clench.

The boy - Haru - has such a passive expression on his face that Rin isn’t quite sure if Haru has actually been listening to Makoto at all and the steady, monotonous voice that comes out from Haru’s mouth almost makes Rin jump, lifeless blue eyes trained on him.

“I see, so what are you here to do? Sell me a miracle cure? Encourage me to not give up on life despite a 3% chance of survival? Boost your ego by looking at some sick kid and thinking, ‘Wow, I’m so glad I don’t look like the sick piece of trash that’s lying on that bed and wasting medical resources on itself even if it might die the next day,’?” Haru turns to look at Makoto before Rin can even answer. “Makoto, are you sure he’s had the same disease because he looks perfectly healthy and kicking to me.”

Sousuke looks about ready to punch the living daylights out of the kid. “What kind of shitty brat are you to judge someone based on how they look? I’ll have you know that Rin’s been suffering almost his entire life because of this yet he’s still living for what’s out there for him so-”

“Sousuke, stop. It’s okay,” Rin tells his best friend, an enigmatic expression on his face. “It’s not Haru’s fault. Besides, you’re just making this worse for Makoto when we were the ones who asked him if he could let us meet Nanase-kun without knowing how he himself felt about it so it isn’t surprising if we’re unwanted guests at the moment.”

This causes Sousuke’s mouth to clamp shut almost immediately, the unsaid words reflecting in the murderous expression on his face. Makoto looks almost ready to apologise but Rin holds up a hand to stop him.

“Like I told you before, don’t worry about it. While it feels like a waste to leave so early, I think it’s best that we leave Nanase-kun on his own for now. Thanks for this, Makoto. We’ll make a trip down again some other time,” Rin tells Makoto as he takes Sousuke from the arm and begins to guide him out before anything else can happen.

As soon as the door closes, Makoto’s face terribly apologetic, Sousuke begins his complaints.

“For someone who’s dying, he acts like a piece of shit. How is he even friends with Makoto anyway? God, I should have made the trip myself first just to see how this kid was like just to avoid all of this.”

“He’s 13 and he’s been stuck in this hospital longer than I have, according to Makoto. I would cut him a bit more slack,” Rin tries to calm Sousuke down as the begin to walk to the entrance. “Everyone has their own ways of coping with their fears. I don’t really blame him for lashing out.”

Sousuke doesn’t answer, whispering to himself under his own breath about how he’s going to ‘kill that shitty brat who had no manners.’ Rin laughs a little, despite the fluke that had happened.

“You look happy,” Rin mom comments that night at dinner, which is a combination of leftovers from the night before. “Did something good happen at Sousuke’s place?”

“Hmm? Do I?” Rin asks, cheeks bloated up with food as Gou tries to imitate him, barely getting three bites of food in.

“You’ve been smiling ever since you got back home. Maybe I should ask Sousuke about it later,” she teases him, voice light.

He grins in response, one that nearly goes from ear to ear.

He had found someone and like he had told Makoto, he wasn’t going to give up so easily.

 

 

\--

 

 

The first few trips he makes, Rin ends up bringing Sousuke along as per the other’s request. While Haru didn’t have an outburst like before - which was most probably due to Makoto, in Rin’s opinion; Haru’s face was always both angry and somewhat regretful every time they came over - he would rarely say more than a couple of words to them. Rin would usually have to leave before Sousuke ended up blowing a fuse and getting them thrown out of the hospital permanently.

It’s after the fifth visit when Rin starts going alone, Haru’s attitude still the same no matter how many times he had walked in and out of the hospital room that he was sure even Makoto didn’t even make as many visits.

The first time Haru even attempts to start a conversation with him is almost half a year after his first visit, during the winter break when Rin is slowly taking off the multiple layers he had donned before going out of the house.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re annoying and persistent? Because you are.”

Rin grins at this, causing Haru to scowl even more. “I’d like to think of it more as me being stubborn and patient enough to get what I want. Besides, I’ve just got something ticked off by bucket list today already.”

“And what’s that?” Haru asks, irritation and resignation tinged in his voice. “Being a pain in the ass to someone younger than you?”

“Getting you to say more than 5 words per reply. I really thought that you would have given in earlier, to be honest. There are not many who can resist my techniques,” Rin says, almost smugly as if he considered the trait itself to be an asset.

“I really can’t tell if you’re actually being serious or not. Speaking of which, why isn’t your friend accompanying you here anymore?”

Rin sticks out his tongue at Haru in a teasing gesture and replies, “Are you trying to tell me that you’d prefer Sousuke over me? That sort of breaks my heart as your senior, to be honest, Nanase-kun.”

Twitching slightly at the use of his family name, Haru just gives his signature deadpan stare at Rin’s direction as the other sighs.

“You are really no fun to joke around with,” Rin says as he takes a seat beside Haru’s bedside, tone a little more sober. “Sousuke has other stuff to do so he doesn’t have to worry himself about accompanying me here, since this was something that I wanted to do and he just helped me with it, being the childhood friend he is. I don’t want to make him do things that he doesn’t want to do just for my sake only.”

“Are you sure you’re not worrying him even more with the fact that you’ve been making trips here without telling him when you don’t even know if he thinks that worrying about your welfare is a bother to him?”

There’s something strikingly earnest and pure about the way Haru says it that makes Rin recall the fact that this stubborn, sharp-witted boy in front of is actually younger than him, and probably in more ways than he himself realises.

“Despite the fact that you and Sousuke seem to butt heads a lot, it sounds like you really do like him a lot more than you show it,” Rin tells him as an honest comment, slight smile on his lips. “Then, perhaps you’re what they call a tsundere?”

“That’s not it!” Haru almost shouts, flustered as his cheeks start reddening slightly and his eyes widen. It really is such an innocent expression. “It’s just that if I were in your position and it were Makoto, I’m sure he would want to know and answer for himself on whether he thinks it’s a hassle or not. After all, I’d owe him that much.”

There’s something painfully nostalgic about the way Haru utters that last line, the way the light catches in his eyes, that makes the guilt prick at Rin’s heart.

A silence seems to wash over them but it doesn’t feel awkward. It’s comforting, in a way that Rin doesn’t want to break, wishing he could absorb it under his skin.

So they sit there, waiting for time to pass as Rin looks out of the window, watching as the snow continues to cover everything in white, erasing all traces of life from the every surface it could find.

“Hey Rin,” Haru says softly, almost whispering. “Why do you come here so often? I mean, this isn’t a part of you anymore so why do you insist on wanting to help people get over it? Have you thought that maybe, just by seeing someone else get over something that they can’t, it makes them feel weak instead?”

Rin ponders over his words for a little. “Then I suppose that would be a good thing. Making them feel weak, that is.”

Haru squints at him, almost questioningly and a little bit in awe. “Are you really that much of an asshole because I am actually feeling a little impressed.”

“I don’t mean it in that way,” Rin says as he lightly hits Haru over the head, careful not to pull against any of the wires or tubes inserted into him. “Feeling weak isn’t a bad thing. It means that you still haven’t completely given up yet, as much as you try to convince yourself that that isn’t the case. I don’t care if you end up hating me if it ends up encouraging you to get out of here.”

“You’re weird, you know that, right?”

“Never said I was normal to begin with,” Rin retorts back at him. “Anyway, I think I have to head back sooner than I usually do because my mom has plans for dinner tonight and I should go before it gets too dark.”

As he packs up and heads towards the door, Haru calls out to him.

“Rin.”

“Yeah?” Rin says, turning back around.

“I don’t hate you. Well, I don’t hate you as much as I did in the beginning. You’re annoying but I think you have good intentions. Also, I’d prefer if you’d just call me by my first name since I just feel weird being called by my family name.”

“Noted. I’ll see you tomorrow, kiddo,” Rin says, waving his hand behind him as he closes the door shut.

 

 

\--

 

 

_”So I see that you came back.”_

_“What’s that suppose to mean?” Sousuke asks, eyeing Haru suspiciously. “Did you say something to Rin?”_

_“Nothing, it’s just an observation,” Haru tells him passively as he watches Rin try to choke down the laughter bubbling up his throat._

 

 

\--

 

 

“I think I’m going to try it,” Haru tells Rin at the start of the new school term when Makoto and Sousuke are both absent as they were helping in some community program in their neighbourhood.

“Try what?”

“I’m going to try and see if I have a second chance at life. My parents and Makoto have talked to the doctors and they said that I have the option of getting better if I can get through the operation. To be honest, I didn’t really want to do it since they’ve never really helped in the past,” Haru lifts up his shirt slightly to reveal raised slivers on his skin, remnants of scars from past surgeries. “But they said my chances of success are higher this round, since I’m older and all. Also, I’ve been pretty stable lately. Even my fits aren’t as bad as usual.”

Rin smiles. “That’s good, I’m glad for you. That means you can start attending school with Makoto again after all this is over.”

“Yeah, it really is.” Haru has a faraway expression on his face as the words spill from his lips before snapping back into reality. “Don’t tell Sousuke, though. Or he’s just going to make fun of me.”

“Alright, I won’t.” Rin makes a mental word to secretly tell Sousuke to keep his mouth shut after tonight during their sleepover when he ‘accidentally’ lets it slip.

 

 

\--

 

 

The rest of the weeks seem to fly by after, Haru’s operation date arriving close. Rin wishes he could speed up the process even more but he knows good things only come to those who wait so he does. Makoto seems to look happier than usual and while there are still slight complications, Haru has also been looking more expressive. Everything seems to be fine and it’s exactly five weeks before the date when Fate decides to pull its strings.

After the fifth call, Rin groans before lunging a hand towards his phone on his side table, cracking open an eyelid and squinting at the bright ray of light coming from his phone’s screen as he looks at the time and caller ID before picking up.

"Sousuke, it's almost 3 in the morning. There better be a good reason for calling me at a time like this.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence at the other side of the line and Rin can hear Sousuke exhaling out the breath that the other was holding in that he couldn’t see.

“I just got a call from Makoto. He said he wanted to contact you straight away but he didn’t have your number so he called me. I mean, yeah, I understand why he would make me the messenger, seeing as I was the one who introduced you two,” Sousuke almost about rambles on. There’s some sort of desperation in his voice, like he’s trying to stall the inevitable and Rin sits up straight on his bed, back against the headboard as his mind starts becoming more sober.

“Sousuke, what is it? You’re going off-point,” Rin says, gently like he’s coaxing a child. “What did Makoto call you for to tell me?”

Silence.

The gears seem to click in Rin’s head at the same time he feels his stomach lurch. “Did something happen to Haru?”

Another deep breath gets exhaled. “Yes, no, somewhere in between. Makoto just said that Haru got into another fit again but he’s fine now.”

Rin knows that Sousuke isn’t telling him everything, knowing that Makoto wouldn’t have called if it was just any sort of ordinary fit. “You and I both know that there’s more to it that you aren’t saying. Tell me, please.”

“It’s nothing really big. It’s just, apparently it lasted longer than usual and the doctors said that they’ll be pushing the surgery earlier before anything else happens. Makoto thought he needed to tell you as soon as he could since you’ve been going over so often.”

“Okay,” Rin says, closing his eyes as he rests his head against the wall, fingers clenched tight over his phone. “Tell him I said thanks. Could you also pass him my number so he doesn’t have to go through a third person next time.”

“Sure thing. Bye and good night. Sorry for disturbing your sleep.”

“Don’t worry about it. Same goes to you.”

There’s the sound of a click before Rin puts down his phone and lies back down on his bed with eye wide open.

“What’s the use in worrying about it right now, you idiot,” Rin mutters into the darkness. “It’s just a bit more pain and then, in just a couple more weeks, he’s going to get better and everything will be alright.”

_But is that really all there is to it?_

The thought nags him at the back of his mind, eating away like some parasitic disease and Rin can’t find it in himself to be brought back by the lulls of sleep.

Tossing the covers off of himself and slowly tiptoeing down the stairs, Rin quickly puts on his shoes and runs out of the door, hoping that his mother and sister are both asleep. Luckily, it’s a weekend so he knows neither of them will be awake early to see him missing or will just assume he’s hanging out with Sousuke.

Being somewhat grateful that his house isn’t too far away from the hospital that Haru resides in, he gets there in about 20 minutes; out of breath as the hospital doors open. It’s a familiar sight to Rin, hallways almost dead silent with the occasional fatigued doctor or nurse as he makes his way to Haru’s room.

It’s a relief to Rin when no one tells him off for being there off visiting hours as he pushes the door open, almost whispering, “Haru, you awake?”

“.... Was it Makoto who called you?”

Haru’s voice is faint, with Rin straining his ears to catch every word. He sounds weary and tired that Rin regrets the impulse he had to suddenly make a visit.

“Well, it was Sousuke who called. Makoto told him since he couldn’t contact me directly,” Rin says as he makes his way in, carefully shutting the door behind him. He can’t really see Haru’s face in the darkness, curtains closed to block out any source of light from the outside. He slowly moves forward before his knees bump into the side of Haru’s bed. “I heard it was pretty bad this round.”

“I’m sorry,” are the only words that Haru replies him with.

“What’s there to be sorry for? It’s not like you asked for any of this. Besides, your surgery’s been pushed forward so it’s all coming to an end pretty soon.”

“But you still came here, even when you didn’t have to. I’m sorry.”

“Stop it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Haru!” Rin nearly shouts, careful to make sure he isn’t heard from the outside. “Just, don’t say anything now, okay? And don’t blame yourself. Don’t think of anything at all.”

Being enveloped back in silence, Rin tries to feel his way around to the window, bumping his legs against objects and almost tripping once before opening the curtains. The moonlight illuminates the streak of tears running down Haru’s face.

Haru looks down, fists clenching at his sheets. “I think I’m making a mistake. What if I just end up leaving everyone behind earlier? What would this do to my parents? To Makoto?”

Rin takes a deep breath as he walks back and covers Haru’s hands with his own. “Haru, look at me. Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me, do you want to live?”

Clear, blue irises meet his own, rimmed with redness and tears. “I want to live. I want to live so badly that it hurts. Rin, I’m afraid. I am so afraid that none of this works out the way I want it to.”

Biting his lip to keep himself from breaking, Rin moves forward and tries to hug Haru despite the awkwardness of their position, keeping his head underneath his chin. “You’re going to live and you’re going to get out of here and do all the things you’ve dreamed of doing, so just hold on a little longer.”

As Haru’s arm slowly wrap around his back, Rin feels Haru relax, head against his chest. “You’re so warm, Rin. I can hear your heartbeat like this. It kind of frantic, to be honest.”

“Just ignore it. It’s betraying me, at the moment.”

“Why? I love it,” Haru whispers, his tears being soaked up by Rin’s shirt. “It’s telling me how much you care for someone like me, even if I can’t do anything for you. I love it, the same way I love you.”

 _I love you_. The words hit Rin hard as he tightens his hold around Haru. It takes several minutes before his breathing steadies itself out and Haru’s hands become limp, falling asleep just like that. Right there, in Rin’s arms.

It feels almost perfect, even if Rin’s legs are hurting from the angle they’re at or the slight panic in his mind when he remembers that he has to get back as soon as he can.

_I love you._

__“Sousuke would kill me for this,” Rin mutters. But he can’t seem to care anymore._ _

__

 

\--

 

 

On the day of Haru’s surgery, Rin holds onto Haru’s hand. Makoto watches them silently.

“You didn’t really have to come, you know. You could just come after the surgery is done. And you don’t need to hold my hand. I’m not a kid,” Haru says, looking away at their connected hands, embarassed.

Rin sticks out his tongue at him. “Says the one who was crying like a baby a couple of weeks before.” This just makes Haru sulk even more.

“I’m sure Rin is worrying for you just as much as the others, Haru,” Makoto says. “Sousuke is here too, though I don’t know why he refuses to come in.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s only here because of Rin.”

“Haru,” Makoto chides him gently.

“I can still hear you from behind this door!” Sousuke says loudly from the outside, slightly irritated. “I’m out here so I don’t throttle you before all this is over because I’d rather do it when you’re out and healthy enough for it to not be called bullying.”

“I highly doubt anything bad will happen if you have this much attitude,” Rin says, smile on his face. Features softening, he continues, “You’re going to be alright, I’m sure of it.”

“Do you promise me that?” Haru says, suddenly bringing up the pinky of his other hand to Rin’s face. “Pinky swear on it.”

“Are you sure you’re not a kid?” Rin teases.

“Can it,” Haru grumbles, pinky still out. “You’d do it if you truly believed it.”

“Fine,” Rin tells him as he links his own pinky with Haru’s. “Now you’re definitely coming out of there safe and sound.”

Makoto can’t help but laugh a little at them before the doctor finally comes in, telling Haru to get ready.

It’s a long afternoon, with Rin occasionally falling asleep on Sousuke as the three of them waited outside of the operation room. Haru’s parents were working overseas, so they weren’t able to come back in time.

After almost about 5 hours, a nurse finally comes up to them.

“Excuse me, are you Nanase-kun’s friends?”

“Yes,” Makoto says faster than any one of them, standing up almost immediately as soon as he heard Haru’s name. “How is he?”

“There were no complications. Your friend’s surgery was a success.”

The nurse is almost bewildered as Makoto sits back down again and the three of them slump back in their seats and breathe out loudly, relieved.

 

 

\--

 

 

While there’s still the daily checkups that Haru is required to go to and the fact that the doctors are still keeping a close eye on him, Haru looks much better than before, keeping up his constant bickering with Sousuke and bringing Makoto along when he met up with any of them.

Sousuke’s family decides to have a BBQ one day, where they’re all invited, including both Makoto and Rin’s family.

It’s quite an interesting sight, especially when Gou gets attached to Haru almost immediately and a little too much for Rin’s taste. She was his little sister, after all. Makoto just smiles at the sight while Sousuke warns Gou not to hang out Haru too much or she might end up becoming as bad as him.

This only serves to confuse her, gratefully, and Makoto covers her ears while Sousuke and Haru decide to take a bite at each other.

“Enough,” Rin says, getting in between the both of them before it can escalate any further. “There is a kid here. Can’t you guys just call it a truce for tonight? Even Makoto looks weary at you two.”

With that said, Haru sulks as he goes and gets more grilled fish to eat while Sousuke just crosses his arm and rolls his eyes.

Rin sighs at the sight. “I swear, they’re just like kids.”

Makoto takes his hands away from Gou’s ears as she puts her arms up in the air, demanding to be carried and Makoto complies, keeping a watchful eye at Rin and Ran who were running around the compound. “That might be so but to me, it looks like the both of them understand each other a lot more than they know they do.”

“I guess you’re right,” Rin comments, watching the both of sit sullenly beside each other, a contrast to the happy, chit-chatting parents around them. “Meanwhile, you act so much older than your age, Makoto. You seem so much more responsible too. It kind of makes me feel jealous.”

“You shouldn’t,” Makoto says, almost apologetically and slightly embarrassed. “I’ve just done these things for so long and I’ve been with Haru all these years that I thought I’ve always had to be strong for his sake, you know. I wouldn’t really call it anything to be envious about.”

“Still, Haru is pretty lucky to have a friend like you. The same way I have Sousuke. I know all those times that I was suffering was never easy for him but he was always there for me when I needed him to be.”

Out of nowhere, Rin is reminded of that night he had decided to visit Haru after visiting hours.

_I love you._

He and Haru had never talked about it ever since the night, the both of them acting like it had never happened despite the questions about it that had kept Rin awake that week. Like what did he mean when he said ‘love’? Was it just a spur of the moment thing or was Rin just reading too much into it? Did Haru even remember about it?

“Rin? Rin, are you okay?” Makoto asks, worried as he puts Gou down and asks her to play with his siblings for awhile. “You look a little off.”

“Huh?” Rin says, not realising that he had stopped mid-conversation. “Sorry, I was just thinking about something.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” There’s a concerned look on Makoto’s face that makes Rin wonder just what kind of expression is on his own.

Shaking his head, he replies, “I’m fine. It’s just me over thinking about something I probably shouldn’t be. Someone told me something a couple of weeks ago and I was wondering about the meaning of it but that person hasn’t mentioned anything about it ever since so I guess it was nothing serious.”

“Have you tried asking this person?”

“Not really,” Rin says, scratching the back of his head. “It’s not something I could really bring into normal conversations so I guess it just slipped out of my mind until a few minutes ago.”

“Then maybe you aren’t over thinking it,” Makoto tells him. “You should ask this person about it, because the person itself might be having difficulties talking about it again with you.”

“But what if that just makes the person run away or if they don’t recall it anymore?” Rin asks, knowing how Haru had the tendency to lash out whenever he felt uneasy and bottle up his own emotions.

Makoto shrugs his shoulders. “You’ll never be able to find out until you properly ask now, won’t you? It’s a risk you yourself have to decide on whether you want to take.”

“But does it always have to be a risk? Why can’t things be guaranteed?” Rin asks, almost as if the question is directed to himself as Sousuke starts calling them to finish up the last batch of food from the grill before it gets eaten up.

“It’s only a risk if you think it is,” Makoto tells him, sounding honest in a way that Rin wonders if he’s ever been in the same situation and they end it at that, continuing the night as it should be.

 

 

\--

 

 

The persistent ringing of the doorbell has Rin quickly getting out of the shower and changing into his clothes as he runs down the stairs. “I’m coming!”

As soon as the door opens, something both warm and wet collides straight into his chest, too fast for his to register as he gets knocked off his feet and his back hits against the wooden floorboard.

Wincing at the pain, Rin is somewhat grateful that he’s home alone tonight, as his sister was having a sleepover at a friend’s house while his mother was on a business trip leaving him alone to take care of himself. “Um, excuse me but who are you?”

“It’s back,” says a familiar voice, muffled by his shirt. “It came back. There was never a second chance to begin with.”

Rin’s hand comes up to comb through the wet mess of hair that was tickling his chin. “Haru, what are you talking about? Did you just run through all this rain from your place? You should dry off before you catch a cold.”

The face pressed against his chest just moves in even more, ignoring his words and Rin strains to listen to Haru amidst the pouring rain and thunder in the background. “I collapsed today after school. I thought it was just fatigue but Makoto was so worried about the whole ordeal that he forced me to visit the hospital, just in case. And that’s when I found out that what I had running away from my entire life decided that it wouldn’t let me get away so easily.”

Rin closes his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before asking, “Does anyone else know?”

“No, just Makoto, at the moment. I have a feeling his parents probably know about know which means my parents will too.” Haru starts to ramble, voice slightly hitched and cracking. “God, I was so stupid to believe everything would be alright. In the end, I’m back to where I started and there’s an even slimmer chance that I’ll get out of all of this alive by the end of the year, at this rate.”

Something twinges inside Rin, close to his heart. “Don’t say it that way. You’ve enjoyed this couple of months, haven’t you? They’re still precious memories even if the disease has come back for you.”

Haru suddenly sits up, pushing at Rin’s chest. His face is wet and Rin can’t tell if it’s because of the rainwater or the tears that Haru has probably cried along the way. “It wasn’t suppose to be like this! This isn’t how things were suppose to go! If everything’s just going to be taken away in the end then I would have rather not experienced anything at all, if it was going to hurt so goddamn much. I was perfectly fine being some emotional kid that no one wanted to talk to until you and Sousuke came around and wrecked all of that!”

Eyes slowly brimming with tears that he himself can’t stop, Rin whispers, “I’m sorry. If you hate me now, it’s probably understandable, especially if I’m living the life you should be having. I’m sorry.”

“That’s not it!” Haru screams frustratedly, hitting a fist against Rin’s chest and openly crying right about now. “I want you to be happy and live out your life to the fullest even if I can’t. Were you not even listening to me that night when I told you I love you? Did you think it was nothing because it was coming from a kid like me? Why would I even come to your house in the middle of the night despite this weather if I wasn’t serious about how I felt? Because I really am in love with you. And even as much as I want to be capable of hating you, I can’t because all I can feel is this love for you and all it makes me want is for you to be happier than anyone out there, regardless of whether I’m involved in it or not.”

_It is only a risk if you think it is._

Makoto’s words ring in his ears and suddenly, Rin feels smaller, smaller than the kid in front of him who is just crying on him, so open about his own emotions even if he is closer to his own deathbed with the passing of each day.

Reaching up, he grabs Haru into a hug, back like he did the first time that Haru had confessed to him. “You’re strong, you know that? Stronger than I’ll probably ever be. I mean, I could probably toss the subject aside by saying that you’re just a kid and this is probably just the anxiety talking but then I’d just be ignoring how I’d feel as well.”

“What is that even suppose to mean?” Haru asks, hands balling up at Rin’s shirt. He can feel the other shivering slightly and he wonders if its from the cold or the nerves.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I reciprocate your feelings,” Rin says. He is startled when Haru starts to laugh, the visible shaking that comes before the sound exits his throat.

“God, you make it sound so unromantic like that,” Haru comments in between his fit of laughter. Rin thinks that the two of them probably look like a funny sight if any other person saw them, laughing and smiling amidst the tears and tragedy.

“Well, I might not be romantic but I’ll give you the offer of staying overnight because I highly doubt you’ll be able to get back in this weather without actually getting a cold.”

Laughter slowly ceasing, he smiles and it’s the sort of smile that has Rin thinking that he wouldn’t mind doing just about anything to see it. “I’ll take you up on that offer. Thanks.”

 

 

\--

 

 

“So, are you ready?” Rin asks Haru, as they wait for the nurse to arrive. They had already briefed Haru and the rest of them about the procedures of the surgery and how doing a second one was quite risky as Haru had already gotten operated quite a few times already, making his situation a little less than ideal when it came to the success rate. Despite that, they all knew that the chances were better than forgoing it entirely.

“Somewhat, I guess. Is it bad that I don’t feel nerves anymore before going for an operation?” Haru asks. “Also, where’s Makoto and Sousuke?”

“Sousuke can’t make it this round, since he has to go help his dad manage his shop so he said he’ll drop by after hours. Makoto is on his way.”

“I guess I’m a little glad that they aren’t here,” Haru says as he looks at Rin, smiling a little. “I don’t want to worry them.”

“Even Sousuke?” Rin says teasingly with eyebrows raised.

Haru’s answer is surprisingly earnest as he nods. “Even him. We might not get along but he’s a good person and your childhood friend, after all.”

“I’ll let him know. I’m sure he likes you more than he lets on as well.”

There is a knock on the door and the both of them know that it’s time as the nurse comes in, ready to administer anaesthesia.

“I’ll see you on the other side once it’s all done,” Haru says, before the needle goes under his skin, eyes closing before Rin can even count to 10.

Leaning in to kiss his forehead, Rin whispers, “I’ll be waiting.”

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I would like to thank the ultimate asshole, [tsuyori](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuyori/pseuds/tsuyori), for helping me create the ending of this fic. Without her, I would have probably still have been struggling to find a proper end (no pun intended). There are also a couple of different anime references inside this fic, if you can spot them. 
> 
> I'll be honest that I really felt that this fic should have been longer than the current wordcount but time and the real world didn't allow me to expand the depths of it without totally going over the deadline. I might consider revising and polishing this up after the reveals but until then, here's as much as I could do.


End file.
